What? I like to party with the best of ‘em.  I’m not gonna front. And when you party how I do, sometimes you gotta take a day to recuperate.  You know, just a day to gather yourself and look at all the possibilities you’ve got ahead. Oh, and to also clean the digested chicken-fried seitan caked in your hair and that section of the hallway floor just inches from the bathroom door.

And yeah, duh, how silly of me… Happy New Year! Got a feeling this will be a good one. After all, everything is now simply a decade in the past, forever in the future.

Every one enjoyed the spinach dip, cornbread stuffed mushrooms, chicken-fried seitan and Jaci’s seitan skewers drenched in bourbon sauce. And Cody actually didn’t mind the burnt homemade potato chips. Not bad at all.

Today was one of those days where I did something that didn’t exactly scare me, but sure as heck created a mild anxiety attack. I, well we, Jaci and I threw our first ‘dinner party.’ We’ve been living at our place for four months now and had yet to wow a group larger than three, ourselves included, with our awesome vegan grub.  So when New Years rolled around, I’m talking like a day or so before, we figured, ‘Fuck yeah, why not try this shit out.’

It wasn’t that I was worried people wouldn’t get down on the veganized dishes we were preparing, I was worried that people would be bored out of their skulls confined to our tiny apartment, not to mention stuck with Ellen, for those last few precious hours of 2009 and the beginning few of 2010. Worrying that people are bored seems to be one of the things I’m best at. I started perfecting the skill in first grade. So yeah, you know, I’m pretty awesome at it now. And I know it sounds silly to worry about such things. And now I’m starting to come off as a super self-conscious girl (thanks hair post). But for each ounce of self-consciousness I display, I posses just as much, actually times two, in courage. So it totally equals out in my actions.

And I guess the good thing about this fear of being boring is that it’s one I can easily address and control, if I choose to. It’s actually a fear that when facing gives me the opportunity to learn and try new things. In my attempts to make sure friends and family are having a righteous time when they’re around me, I’ve gone rock climbing, taken on water slides that scare me and initiated life-changing conversations, just to name a few.

Man, it’s nice to know that some fears are so worth having.

The guys in La Dispute are getting down on helping out their local homeless shelter, which translates to donating proceeds from online downloads of their new tunes to the shelter, which ‘provides a positive, communal environment for struggling people and families that addresses both financial and emotional need, all the while assisting in the general betterment of the community.’

They had this on their blog:

“Come December 24, all of the aforementioned recordings will be posted online for donate-what-you-can download with 100% of the donations going to benefit Well House Community Living of Grand Rapids, a non-profit outreach program in Grand Rapids that provides emergency shelter and permanent housing for displaced and homeless families.”

For more info go here: http://www.ladisputemusic.com and here http://www.wellhousegr.org

See those links I included?  Well, I included them for a reason… Get into it!

In light of their effort, I’m making one too. I looked into volunteer programs at shelters here in NYC and I’m matching them up with my schedule. Just in case you were wondering where the One Thing Every Day angle was, it’s in here. Right next to the anxiety that comes along with knowing you could play a positive role in someone else’s life.

P.S. La Dispute will be playing a few shows in Michigan at the end of January. Drop by if you can. Seriously.

Then she grabbed the pigtail dangling from the right side of my head. Snip!

Within two quick snips it had started. I was halfway through completing yet another action that scared me.  She placed the 12-inch long pigtails on the counter in front of her mirror and grabbed the buzzer. I seriously thought the first snip was the scariest part the ordeal, but I was wrong. As soon as she placed the buzzer to the side of my head, every frightful thought a vain girl could have suddenly surged forward.

I guess it wasn’t really the act of cutting sections of my long brown hair and shaving the sides of my head that scared me. It seems that what scared me was the possible aftermath. And I don’t mean the aftermath I’d be setting my eyes on every morning when I looked in the mirror. It was the aftermath that everyone else would be setting their eyes on and forming judgments about. The main judgment that I was afraid of was that I now looked ugly. Yes, I am a vain girl. Yes, I was raised in the good ole U.S. of A as the wonder of Photoshop began taking hold. And no, not every female looks nearly as beautiful as Natalie Portman does after a buzzer meets her scalp.

This fear is amazing though, because it totally ranks up there with the B9 Board one. I mean like epically amazing. So epically amazing that I should be pissing my pants just thinking about it. But I’m not, ‘cause it’s also kinda sad. 

Like it’s amazing in the funny sense of, ‘wow, what a silly thing to be afraid of.’ You know, looking ugly and people judging you for it.  But those are things little girls are taught to be afraid of: sometimes inadvertently, sometime not. 

I dunno though, it’s like, why waste your time being concerned about other people’s petty actions and judgments, when they’re obviously quite insecure about something or another going on with their outer layers to be so caught up in yours.  Or else they really have nothing productive going on in their lives that they’re left spending their time gauging your appearance. And that’s why it’s kind of sad to be scared of something like looking ugly. Because just consider who’s judging you and think about what must be eating at the on the inside that they have to react like this. Not only is one person at such a low point in their lives that they have to judge others to make themselves happy, but another person is letting it hurt them.

But the scariest part of all of this is that it’s girls judging girls. There’s no solidarity, there’s no support, there’s no positive communication. It’s just a competition in which the prize is meaningless. Actually, the prize is painful and the winner for some reason thrives off of it… really, freaking sad, man.

So yeah, this was pretty much the flow of thought that flooded my mind right after every frightful thought a vain girl could have surged through and Christina finished up my lightening bolts (Patrick Ewing/ Scottie Pippen homage).

Oh, and then I realized I had just done a good deed.

Yeah, well that pretty much sums up today. I sat at my computer for six-plus hours today editing articles, researching bands and listening to their latest tunes while sending out press requests for this here blog.

Looking at these six-plus hours, there’s a chance I did two things that scared me, 1. Associated with just one living human being. That being my roommate. So it was pretty much a given we would be communicating. The scary thing about all of this is that I was stuck with myself all day. And there’s a chance I might have talked to myself like it was no big thang 2. Sent press requests to people I am way impressed yet super intimidated by. You know, it’s scary since I am opening myself up to the possibility of them being all like, ‘ah, no. I’m too busy, but more so too important to chat with you.’

Once again, let’s hear it for fear running buckwild in my head.

Monday, I took on yet another commitment. And it just so happens that taking on commitments aren’t as hard as they used to be. Hmmph, who knew?

Tuesday, I initiated a handful of conversations with people who intimidate me just to find that they weren’t so intimidating after all. Hmmph, who knew?

Wednesday, I kept the conversations rolling and the fear at a minimum.

Thursday, I kept with my commitments remembering that it’s all about how I look at it. If I want to look at it as a restraint, then it’ll be a restraint. If I want to look at it as an opportunity, then umm, heck yeah, it’s an opportunity.

Friday, I accepted that I’m actually afraid of looking stupid in front of the people I should be most comfortable around. Sounds like we’re gonna have a reoccurring issue on our hands…

Saturday, I saw the Souls. Ah, yeah, every one deserves a little ‘me’ time.

Sunday, is where we’re at, which brought us to this week’s wrap up. It’s also a good day to reflect on other scary things I have done this year, since this is the last Sunday of the year, and focus on how simply facing them resulted in some pretty awesome stuff.

- Moved to Chicago (this technically took place in 2008, but you know, 75 percent of 2009 was spent there.) -Made new friends (that were girls! Like a solid circle of girl friends.) -Took on a new city – Ended a long-term relationship/friendship  - Showed up at magazines I wanted to work for and walked through their doors like I knew what I was doing – swam in Lake Michigan – completed grad school- drove a U-Haul truck half way across the country – moved in with my best friend (while taking on chances left and right, making it a point to embrace the unknown)- interviewed people who have served as role models and inspired me.

I have to admit, I was kinda, pretty much, totally way too giddy to concentrate on doing one thing today that scared me. But umm, yeah, when you’re hitting up the Jersey Shore to catch the Bouncing Souls Home for the Holidays, it’s kinda hard not to be kinda, pretty much, totally way too giddy.

However, I can offer up a few lines from a few songs that have had a positive impact on me… or have just hit me in the right way at the right time.

“It’s all in how I see it and what I choose”

“I wish I could say that I have no regrets today”

“I’ll miss you, but now I’ll know better next time because I found me”

“Remember me now, ‘cause things always change”

“I’ve got a few friends I’ll love till I die”

“When I get back up and dust off, I always come back to you. I think about the two of us. I don’t know why, I feel good on the inside. It’s different now”

“I heard someone say that nothing gold can stay, but there’s a love in all our souls and it shines like gold” (I’d type out the entire Gold Song…)

Now if only my best friend dug ‘em…

But I had no idea it could uncover family issues I had hid away. Issues that, of course, have a connection to a fear/ anxiety. Issues that could only be remedied by music and tone-deaf sing alongs.

So yeah, it seems as if tonight marked the beginning of a Thompson family Christmas tradition: Christmas Karaoke.  My sister-in-law Lindsay brought out her karaoke mic equipped with a chip containing a handful of songs. All we had to do was plug a chord dangling from the bottom of it into the television.  Oh, and we also had to find at least one Thompson, out of the 20-plus of us, to warm up the mic.

This is where the fear set in. Ever since my birthday a few months ago when I invited my family out for a round of karaoke and drinks, the name Ellen has become one and the same with the word karaoke. But what was missing at this moment was the round of drinks. Yet, my family insisted I give it a whirl. But I felt super anxious and scared of sounding like an idiot in front of them, since I am in no means a Tina Turner, though I can shake it.

I attempted to step out of my shell with the Puff Daddy remix of “I’ll Be Missing You” then I moved onto Phil Collins’ “Another Day in Paradise,” which came out a little better than I expected. It wasn’t until I spotted “Come to My Window” on the song list that the fear was kicked to the ground. And it also helped that Lindsay was down for a duet and her voice can soar way above volume level four.

It’s just crazy though how self-conscious I get in front of my family. And how powerless I start to feel when I get caught up in worrying about looking stupid in their eyes. Seriously, crazy. Who thinks like this?

Thankfully though, somewhere though the second verse I eventually realized it didn’t matter. They were urging me to sing. They weren’t judging me.  Ah, the power of karaoke.

Woo yeah, family!

Woo yeah., work… Work?

Yep, work. Wonka Vision work that is.

So I guess you can say my scary thing of the day will be breaking to my family that I must get some work done on Christmas Eve. But hey, when you got the motivation you gotta roll with it.

Fredro Starr of Onyx, he knows what’s up.

Since I seem to be on a role with initiating conversations, I figured why not chat up Fredro Starr of Onyx.

Now, do I really need to explain why this was a scary thing. Sure it’s not Sticky Fingaz, but it was at least one of the other dudes from one of the hardest rap groups to come outta South Queens. Jamaica, what what!

But I might as well set the scene for you so that you know where this conversation went down. Everyone loves details. Come on … everyone loves details. So yeah, we both happened to be at the Hip Hop Legends show tonight at BB King’s. Him performing and me taking in the sounds of his performance, as well as Doug E Fresh’s, Ghostface’s and EPMD’s.

I was standing near his little VIP table and we chatted about tattoos. Heck, can I chat about tattoos or heck, can I chat about tattoos? (The only other thing I would have been able to discuss competently at that moment was how awesome Paula Deen, Bobby Flay and the Neelys are.) But it seems Fredro has a few tattoos, so that was the more sensible topic for conversation, though I’m sure he probably enjoys a good stick of butter-full pie.

But yeah, after speaking with him I found I now had a few solid story ideas. And just think, I didn’t have to follow through with the conversation. I could have let the surge of fear shine like it wanted to. But, nope!